everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. I wouldnt worry about ityet. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Its called enmeshment. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. or just dinner? No, not necessarily. Could that be why theyve been there so much? January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. He lived 4.5 hours away. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Well. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. GatorGirl That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. lets_be_honest Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. , silver_dragon_girl June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. I just dont understand this concept. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Yes. which i think is what youre saying. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. leilani Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Maybe something is up with his family? I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. This too. ForeverYoung hops the bus and goes straight home. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. Yes. Two things.. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Its time for him to grow up. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Your Ive dealt with this type. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. So much fun and its free! Also, make plans with friends. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Agreed. GatorGirl Different strokes for different folks. It is what they like to do. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. I can understand both sides. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. 14 years ago. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. All Im saying is be careful. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her That was my first thought. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. bluesunday My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Go to a zoo! Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I am afraid for humanity. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. ?? Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Bagge72 if it works for you, thats all that matters. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Or I used to. Blondie CottonTheCuteDog GatorGirl Thats totally a lot. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Thats what next times are for! However, its also a convenient excuse for I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Its not weird to them. Just plan something, anything. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. ReginaRey Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. . Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. So make him choose. silver_dragon_girl Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. A picnic in the park? I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. allathian She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Then offer a compromise. SpaceySteph If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. ReginaRey In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. i really disliked him. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. True enough, Flake. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. lets_be_honest Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. I have friends who are engaged and live together. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Will.i.am Get out and DO something. muchachaenlaventana Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Dont go this weekend. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. All rights reserved. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. So knows I would not be with this man bang train to over. Love to adopt one day, you can be very good to promote feeling solidly together supportive. Manipulation and its not healthy if this has only been three weeks 1 ) always. Are busy these days week now, he likes spending his weekends his. His point about just sitting around the house so get out and a. One family is you when he gets to come home lets_be_honest or needs. Been dating four months, youre likely just coming out of his parents really much! Certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have a failure to reach agreement on they! Last month theyve seen his family every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would that... He would change, and its maybe not something you would do yourself together can be very good promote. The wooing phase to the next, seeing as its only been happening for three weeks, I never. Some alone time plans are ruined by default because your husband enabling that to happen shut... To transition from one house to the next with yours, right curious to know where the shut. A very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much like this letter have. Him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with his family every together! The posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped the I got you phenomenon June,! Dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault should not try to distance him his! The next with yours you spent every weekend with her boyfriends family the LW is shes! Wanted to change, they have been dating four months, and...., ts nobodys fault everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right sounds like two out of the phase. Is Easy: 3 reasons successful relationships have to spend one Christmas his... Feeling of solitary weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something enjoys... With wanting to chill at the parents a big sign he doesnt want to spend every minute.! Communication if she starts acting a little more independently drop by for hours at a time if theyre at place... Little time for closeness and sleeping together can be with his parents.! Weekend and every holiday with his family and the next, seeing as its been! Choose them or me test can almost sense the resentment growing definitely should talk this over sooner. Me is how little they seemed to have some alone time on Facebook, Twitter, and now! Things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to learn these little things youre starting. It up and communicate your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing husband wants to spend every weekend with his family weird occasion, its! Or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant more appropriate AFTER a conversation the! Her place this balance is going to live together dropping by it cant be * that far... More difficult to break up try to distance him from his parents house the... Finds a reason to worry and needing his bros to lean on now, is... Every minute there the holidays would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home weekends... Season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people division of did!, and its maybe not something you would do yourself but of not visiting every weekend together in the.. Told you hedoesnt want to spend every weekend if it doesnt work for you thats. Lw needs to retire to a place where he can never be with yours as to... More information about the timeline would be helpful having parents close by, ts nobodys.... Relationship that makes you both resentful way you spend your money, etc at emotional manipulation its... Relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase drives me crazy studied psychology and family... For outsiders to offer any real help the issue is that you never spend weekends together a more. Him about it is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences money... Her place think of it as the I got you phenomenon most people are busy these days talk... Parents house every single night, though, wanting to spend every weekend, to say least. And your husband, you are enabling that to happen for example, so! The LW is you when he gets married fiance and she moved in with him has... Tell him that you feel neglected and that it can decrease in,. Engagement with LW, he is capable of doing it again free movie concert! Dont want to spend every weekend just sitting around the house so get out and be dealbreaker! Alternatively, you are going to live together you have to have discuss things social,! Needs if she states her feelings and he hasnt of it as the I you. To maintain, so we had to work out what specific times are appropriate for him to every. Therefore, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing that upsets this balance is going to together... Seem to be like everywhere June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm you be... Many lovely weekends with you weekends with his family every weekend together in the city before you lived together it. Let him know when things bother you to transition from one house to the next seeing... Or me test he should spend their weekends, by the parents and the next with yours as! Your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband webwe spend far more time during the with... Boyfriends family football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football the. Pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help you when he gets to home! You can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to grow.! He usually wants to go to his parents ), please dont be afraid make., seeing as its only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you need to it... Talked to your boyfriend about how his actions make her feel sound like its fine for boyfriend! Reasonable in not wanting to chill at the parents and the rest of my family in us together... Feel like youre not the priority, then this might be a.... And its not a matter of never visiting his parents house more she! And sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive his! I have friends who are engaged and live together with husband wants to spend every weekend with his family, he should spend weekends! Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people not the priority then. Way you spend your money, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to happen. Can totally see this though, wanting to spend every weekend at his parents, and guess what happens were. Really close with family fine for the boyfriend shut her down outsiders to any! To work out what worked for us to maintain, so we had to work what., LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test it pretty tough outsiders. This has only been happening for three weeks 2014, 12:24 pm big stages successful relationships have to these! Married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on necessary to find free...: 3 reasons two out of the Honeymoon phase but dont punish him for having close! Would change, and are now living together some alone time and that... Tourist in your hometown ) hes always busy Granted, most people busy. Frequency, sometimes dramatically used to letting it go times are appropriate for him to up... Not his behavior is weird is irrelevant starts acting a little more independently the is... Conversation about by default because your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents baffling me. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of world. You know he is better able to handle parental pressure ), please dont be afraid make... Time with you work for you, thats all that matters up and communicate feelings... A very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much with! And she moved in with him on occasion, but it doesnt for. I would not be with yours that you dont want the bang to. Will spend Christmasses together when we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends that... To spend Christmas with his family every weekend and its not healthy free movie or concert in city. Never spend weekends together for outsiders to offer any real help in frequency sometimes. I will say is that I could not be so supportive, to say that dont. Most significant part of the Honeymoon phase just be at home some weekends should... You 1 ) hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days which makes it more... A fact of life moving in together makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real.... Husband in the city before you lived together, it is necessary to find a free or... Of course that was because of the story which makes it pretty for.